Why has it been two months since the last post about my art hiatus? I’ll explain as I continue part two of what I ran out of room for, although in a greatly reduced form from what I initially started with. I also tried creating art again. Tried. And lastly, had a recent revelation about what I’m going through. TL;DR at bottom.
After listening to just two chapters of that audiobook by Richard Rohr that explains the two halves of your spiritual life, I was angry, deflated, and depressed (the Trifecta!) It made me realize fully that creating comics was a means to an end to get me into teaching, and nothing more. I misread God when He threw comic creating in my lap, thinking He was granting my life long dream of making a living as an artist*, but finding out that was never the case. (*More on that thought below.)
Let me pause to say I actually wrote a good chunk of this post a week or two after the last article in April. This is the third rendition of it, in fact, as I’ve been cutting it down with every pass. Why? Well, in short, nudges from God.
After each version, I would pray on what I wrote and move on. Days then weeks would pass and I still hadn’t posted the article, which told me something was afoot at the Circle K because I usually post it immediately. My initial “version one” was more knee jerk reactions to everything I was going through, but God nudged me saying, “Holllllld on there Champ…”, which is why I removed about five or six paragraphs from it.
(Yes, I often picture God calling everyone “Champ” in various phrases. Don’t you?)
So I edited out what I thought God was telling me to remove, but time passed and again I hadn’t posted it. So here I am heavily modifying this again. Third time’s the charm, right? And no, I won’t tell you what I took out so don’t ask.
I recently realized that I was looking at things from the wrong angle in regards to “making a living as an artist.” In my head I equated that as, make art, sell art, make living from art. The other angle to this is, teach art, make money from teaching art, make a living from art. So, I probably should shut up about this point as my life long dream has been fulfilled, just not in the way I was hoping it would go.
So with that said, let me talk about attempting to create art again…
Days after the audiobook incident, my wife and best friend both told me to start creating art again, even if it’s just for God and even if I’m not sensing I should be. (Wife says my “sensing sensor” is off.) I had been chomping at the bit for so long that when I finally did try again in late April, I was just not “feeling” it.
I tried creating both digital art and comics and spent hours trying. The motivation and drive I had before, and the spark, were gone. I know this is because the “why I create art” in my head has changed, and even two months later I’m not quite adjusted to these new thought patterns. When the time comes, God will reinsert that spark and I’ll get back into the groove of things.
Yes, I know I should be eager to create art even if it’s just for God, but ALL my corners are being sand blasted on so many freaking sides right now that I can’t handle another detail at the moment. “Dying to self” is not a fun experience to go through, no matter how good it will be for me in the end.
In my next post, I’ll talk about something that happened at the Sculpture Park and another spiritual retreat visit I recently took.
As always, prayers are appreciated.
Thanks for reading!
TL;DR: This is the third rendition of this post as God nudged Todd to remove various knee jerk reaction type comments he made. Also he realized his life long dream of making a living at an artist is actually happening, just not in a way he had hoped. Also he tried to create art again but the spark wasn’t there, so he’s waiting for that spark to one day return.